Friday, May 8, 2015

Journaling to find clarity and learning that I am enough

Mindset is a really powerful force.  If we feel anger, then we subconsciously surround ourselves with anger.  When we feel joy, love floods into our lives.  My life has changed tremendously in the last six months or so, ever since I seriously put my goals out into the universe and she listened. I do this in various ways, whether it be connecting with nature or surrounding myself with awesome people.  Lately, however I've relinquished control of my future and it feels like a breath of fresh spring air.

I started journaling last summer.  I picked up an old notebook and started jotting down all my thoughts and feelings, trying to get them out of my mind and onto paper.  Then I teared up a little, realizing how powerful this expression felt.  I vibe with Flannery O'Connor's idea of writing, “I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.”

I'm terrible at communicating.  I can talk to a few close friends, but it’s still difficult to talk about myself.  I used to try to keep things light-hearted so I didn't have to burden anyone.  Writing down whatever came to mind was the first time I could connect with myself clearly.  If I can’t decipher my own deepest emotions and feelings, how can I share them others? This was kind of a revelation, to learn to follow my intuition.  My voice of reason that never steers me in the wrong direction.  The feelings that may bring up fear and pain, but in my gut I know these feelings need to be expressed so I can move onto the next one. 

When I first started journaling last summer, I also discovered Louise Hay and affirmations.  Feeling confident about the power of thoughts, I wrote a few affirmations on a notecard and left them on my desk.  I recently opened my Yoga Sutras of Patanjali to discover this notecard as my bookmark.  It read:

I am perfect
I am totally loved.  
I will let love find me.
I am able to do anything!
I am successful in whatever I do.
I trust myself.

I’m re-reading these now, after having them hidden away for months, realizing the impact these words have had on my life.  Since I scribbled these down, I’ve experienced a paradigm shift in my life. Though I haven’t read them every day, these affirmations have subtly empowered my thoughts, feelings and actions to reveal my true self. 

Journaling is one of my many assistants in creating the life I want.  In January, I listed all the memorable events in my life from 2014.  Everything I experienced, suffered through, delighted in…all of it. What a big fucking eye-opener. I've done so much. I started new relationships, snowboarded in Vail, became a holistic chef, moved to a city I’d always wanted to live in, worked in a yoga studio and cooked for retreat-goers, spent more time with my parents and learned to be friends with my mom rather than fight with her. Sometimes I'll catch myself thinking I'm not good enough, that I need to do more.  My down time should be spent doing something more “productive” or I should be more creative or successful or independent or responsible.  This is all my ego's bullshit.  I re-read this accomplishment list and was really satisfied.

Lately I’ve been receiving signs that I am enough, just as I am.  Even though I want nothing more than to love and help the people around me, it’s not really possible. I can only do me and that is good enough. I started this blog for me.  To express myself and not shy away from my inner truth.  Whoever is reading, I hope you can take something positive away from this.