Four years ago I would not have thought yoga would lead me towards spiritual awakening

These are dancing grebes







What an open, honest expression of love that is, coming from an animal.  When these birds unite with their mate, they mimic one another, as they move, expressing themselves fully.  After a series of doing that, the birds then dance across the water, opening their chests, their hearts. Their necks elongate, beaks and heads pointing to the heavens. As though reaching all their energy outward.

I think of it like nature's yoga.

These birdies remind me of my current yoga practice.  I first started practicing hot yoga after my doctor recommended it to me to relieve my chronic back pain and learn to touch my toes (Not long ago I was soooo inflexible!)  There were two Corepower studios pretty close to my school, so I decided to give hot yoga a try with a couple willing friends.

At first, it was painful and miserable. I was sweating profusely in barely-breathable studios, forcing my body into various postures so that I could fit in with the rest of the class, rather than listening to my body's natural messages.  Sometimes I would get to the studio before a class and still decide not to go in.  My ego mind was totally in control, calling all the shots.  Over time, I realized that the work I was doing on my mat directly correlated with how I was approaching life off the mat.

At the end of my classes, I felt so damn blissed-out, like nothing could take my buzz away.  It was that juicy yoga enlightenment that was dripping into my subconscious and permeating into my day to day life, loooong after the yoga class ended.

About a month ago I was talking to my friend who said she'd been getting into a consistent yoga practice and she just loved how good she felt, like she could tackle anything life threw her way.  I was inspired by her drive and passion. I wanted that too, so why was I not continuing with my own practice? Money.  The reason why I wasn't practicing regularly was because I thought I couldn't afford a membership at my local studio that I love.  And then I realized, this is my life, my health and my happiness (and likewise other people benefit from my happiness). What I can't afford is to not live my life fully. That's way more expensive.

Only recently, after 4 years of on-again off-again practice, have I realized the purpose of yoga is to expand energy.  This has manifested itself differently throughout each phase of my practice. Originally, I used yoga to manage my physical pain and touch my toes. But more than that, yoga is teaching me to create space, no matter how many times I fall out of a pose or get a reality check in a beginner's class (Beginner classes are not just for newbies, they are so so key for my growth!)  I'm becoming stronger and more stable each day, regardless of whether I practice yoga or not.  And it's manifesting within me in physical, mental, and spiritual ways.

"I'm so tired. I have no energy. I just don't have the time to do it. When am I going to fit that into my day? I'll start tomorrow. I'll do it next week."

We say these things ALL.THE.TIME.

Even though I'm still making these same complaints, yoga practice has taught me how to create more time, space, and energy for myself. Through yoga, we fire energy out through our fingers, toes, chest, head and tailbone. My practice is always evolving, but currently it's all about learning to tap into these energy bodies and expanding in love, just like these beautiful dancing grebes.

Maybe yoga isn't your spiritual catalyst, and that's totally ok!  I want you to ask yourself:

What is it in your life that helps you create more time, more space, and more energy for you? Is it a walk in nature with your dog? Spending time with your family and friends? Meditatively preparing a meal for yourself in your kitchen? Getting crafty and artsy by yourself?

I still have days when I'm driving to the studio, creating excuses as to why I shouldn't go to class.  I will continue to fight the asanas, choosing whether or not I can breathe into the ridiculously challenging pose to see what comes up, or chill out in child's pose and learn gentleness with myself.  I'm constantly learning about myself, about life, about spirituality.

my favorite yoga pose, in my favorite place :)

References:
Photo by National Geographic

How my shameful relationship with Marijuana transformed into a healthy, self-care habit

Shame, guilt, judgement, using drugs, getting stoned, lazy…these were the thoughts I used to associate with cannabis. Now I see a different side.

This is day 30 of my #NakedTruth Challenge.

My parents have predominately lived by the "Work hard, play hard" mantra.  They've worked in the wine and spirits industry most their lives, so you can guarantee they were a fun clan to be around.  I even have pictures of my dad in college smoking joints while hiking trails out in Colorado. And for as long as I can remember, my step-dad would come out of the garage after "taking out the trash," reeking of skunk and Listerine.

Nice doobie, dad

I remember one of my very first shows I smelled that same skunk perfuming the air of the concert venue in SF and I proceeded to feel light-headed and intoxicated.

From then on, I would occasionally smoke with friends, because I thought it was cool.  There was something exciting about sneaking around and experiencing an unfamiliar state of consciousness.  Most of the time though I didn't enjoy it fully.  It was hard on my lungs. I usually felt paranoid or anxious.  In the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't right for me at the time, yet I continued to smoke.

I created secrecy and shame around using marijuana because of judgement. It was an avoided topic in our home.

I thought my step dad was abusing the substance.  I could usually tell when he was high, which felt like a frequent occurrence.  When I put myself in his shoes, I understood why he would use substances, whether it was pain killers, alcohol or marijuana. He didn't want to live with his thoughts so he would numb the pain.  But I do this in my own way too.  I want to eat sugary fat-filled treats when I'm feeling stressed and out of control.  Or I'll put up a wall to keep from connecting with people, to protect myself from possibly getting hurt.  I'll even make myself smaller so I don't bother anyone.

I held onto these beliefs around marijuana through college, seeing a fiercely "negative" side of the plant. I saw potheads without motivation and kids spending their money and days off on drugs.  I saw how some people relied on it to get through their day. I listened to the negative mainstream views on plant medicine and cannabis, without coming up with my own ideas about it's therapeutic benefits. I believed my step-dad and my peers were letting the incredible potential between their ears waste away.  And here I was, smoking to fit in, and to avoid facing my own problems.  I judged myself just like I judged others, believing that I was a bad person for smoking marijuana.

Slowly, I started hanging around more people that made me feel good. In college, I found myself hanging out at The Shed, a garage near my dorm that a bunch of students designed into a peaceful gathering space with music, art, and of course, pot.  I loved escaping to this spot and for the laid back people it attracted.

I found myself experimenting with cannabis more, to see what I could handle, how it would affect my head or my body, make me sleepy or giggly or energized.  I played with it, learning about the strains, doses, applications, what worked for me and what didn't. In my heart I knew marijuana could be used therapeutically, but I wasn't sure how when I saw it being abused.

Holistic Entrepreneur and business leader Garyn Angel in an interview with Dave Asprey of Bulletproof, explains how cannabis can be used as a high performance drug,

 "It's not about cannabis, it's about herbs and just eating green and eating healthy, living well, drinking water, doing the things that you have to do and taking control of your health and happiness and it all comes as one."

As a natural chef and health coach, I believe whole-heartedly that food has the incredible power to heal if we allow it.  I'm sure you've experienced this before, where you ate a juicy peach in the middle of summer and your taste buds danced with pleasure.  Or on the other end of the spectrum, you drank too many margaritas at Taco Tuesday and Wednesday morning at work feels like death. What if we start thinking of food as medicine that can be grown in our backyards? Imagine how our view of health can change.  If we eat a meal prepared with love, sprouted from earth rather than a box or factory, if we enjoy the meal mindfully by giving thanks, surrounded by good company, could you see how this becomes powerful nourishing medicine?

"Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food." -Hippocrates

Listen to your body, become more aware of what it's saying, pay attention to how to you really feel.  I often find myself having my deepest conversations and reflections when I'm tuned in and aware. Just like with people, the better you get to know them, the more you begin to see who they really are, and you love them for it. The more open you are to trying something new, the more you practice or spend time creating a positive habit, the stronger your connection with that food or activity or person becomes.  (This is your amazing authentic self that we all want to see!)

My purpose isn't to tell you to go take ayahuasca in the jungles of Peru or take psychedelics at a Phish show and then you'll have your life all figured out. That's for you to decide. I'm sharing with you my story of how marijuana helped me gain self-awareness so I can be more loving towards myself and others.  It helps me see situations differently. To have greater empathy towards others. I'm more aware of my physical body and the sensations I feel.  It gives me freedom to express myself without limits.  It lets me recharge my soul.  I don't want to use it to avoid my fears and obligations, but I do that sometimes. What I really want is to feel the emotional pain and discomfort and face it head on.  To face my truth. Who am I, really? What can I do to be better?

It does not matter which plant medicine you choose, whether it's a warm cup of tea, a bowl of homemade soup, or a different kind of bowl packed with greens.  All that matters is that you are serving a purpose, one far greater than what you think you are capable of.

~~~

References
http://www.greenmedinfo.com/blog/marijuana-compound-found-superior-drugs-alzheimers
https://www.bulletproofexec.com/garyn-angel-cannabis-entrepreneur-cbd-vs-thc-pharmaceuticals-241/