Exploring the Depths of Love in Relationship

photography by my dear friend Rory Savatgy, www.savatgy.com 

As you may have seen, my writing style is changing.

just as I am forever evolving

as you are too…

I crave to feel deeper meaning in beautiful words

where time and space have such importance.

so here I am respecting yours, and ours

in sharing these depths of love.

an eternal journey we travel, navigated by love

in relationship.

Relationship with words, with being, with other beings, with physical things,

with soul…

though my essence is pure love

I have been too afraid to offer her space to flourish

strangled by my worries, my delusion, my childhood trauma

a safety net catching my woes and dangling them above magnificent earth below…

along with the rest of life’s pleasures.

I’ve been missing out.

I know why I did this though,

to protect myself from being hurt.

to keep myself in a safe, shiny bubble

Ha! bubbles always pop.

Right now, I feel open to sharing the love,

from a space of true courage and vulnerability,

de-masking the free-spirit, cool girl facade I've so enjoyed wearing.

with loving recipients offering their faithful love,

may we experience a mutual presence and harmony.

so here I lay, bathing in the velvety warm waters

surrendering to the mystery of life, of love, of trust.

I see more clearly (lovingly) now,

This is the only way.


~Katie Ring

We are the Cosmos

I thought this was wild cosmo, it is actually a chicory !

“If you see anything horrible, don’t cling to it. If you see anything beautiful, don’t cling to it.” Excerpt from How the Swans Came to the Lake, a Narrative History of Buddhism in America, by Rick Fields.

We are the Cosmos

Yesterday, I ran.

I ran, not too far, not too fast, but I ran

I ran because my legs would let me

And my body asked me to move her fluidly

Like I did as a child, or an adolescent.

I ran to the big, hilly cemetery, right in my town.

I didn’t know where my run would take me, but I was led here.

At first I worried, as I was in a sports bra for a top,

A concern came to mind: someone thinking my lack of clothing disrespectful.

SO, I came up with a comeback in my head, because I felt like arguing...

And the reply came through as a mirror of sleeping thoughts.

This is how I support my truth, when I feel doubt creeping up. As she always does...

I return again. Presence.

I’m running around the graves~ noticing, appreciating, loving, blessing…

I think of these people, how they lay with their family members

Beautiful names they share.

Tombstones adorned with art, sentiment, and love…

I notice a bluff of cheery purpley-blue flowers at the edge of the cemetery

The rising sun giving them full permission to be noticed.

I don’t know what flower she is, but I see her a lot in fields.

Five elegant petals with pearly blue stamens at the center.

Nothing less than angelic.

On each petal I see the shape of 5 fingers, reaching out to the sun

I dance my fingers along, holding hands with the petal-hands.

So delicate, so worthy of my affection and attention.

I see you. I know you. I honor you.

I will tell them you are safe.

I will tell them you haven’t actually left at all,

But rather we have left you…

I’m here now, I am ready to connect with you

And share your ancient wisdom with humanity.

And with that mission, I will do my best to speak with humility and integrity

I will share your undying love with the rest of mankind.

I will nourish your traditions through the elements through which you sing

And with that, I devote my life to all that exists.

We are the cosmos.

Hungry for Wisdom

When did food and pleasure become so twisted?

When I eat alone, where is my mind?

My thoughts are...
on my phone
on someone else
on my to-do list
or my next bite.

Or is it on how I feel…

Do I check in with myself over the course of my meal?
Or did I even forget I was eating in the first place?

When I'm in good company, and we're breaking bread
I eat much slower
so long the conversation is balanced.
Though if I want to escape,
I begin to shovel
stuffing the emotion down my throat.
after it goes past my tongue, I can't be bothered.
My body will tell me otherwise.
She says, "Hey! Pay attention to me, I'm here for you!"
but I ignore her saving cries
that manifest in pain and frustration
in small ugly, in dissatisfaction.

She has always known,
look at her when she was a child.
She eats small bites when she's hungry
She stops when she's full.
She even plays in-between.
and remember…she'll eat even more if she's bribed with a sweet.
and too much sweet followed by an achy belly.
"I'll never do that again"
just like I said in college…

Our fear of the body's wisdom is worse than simply listening

I can't stop eating and I'm not even hungry

I can't stop eating and I'm not even hungry.

My belly is full yet my emotions are starving.

A sort of addiction to excessive pleasure. 

All I want to do is shovel something crunchy, sweet, salty, creamy into my mouth. I want to chew, grinding my teeth into something satisfying.  Using my teeth to get out the frustration I feel. Chomping and biting to release my tension.  The flavor doesn't matter. Standing or sitting- it doesn't matter. Oh, and the faster the better.

And how ironic that I'm hosting a mindfulness eating workshop this weekend. 

It all came full circle at one of my catering jobs yesterday.  A woman I work with was really getting on my nerves.  It's not the first time either.  So I try to have compassion for her, even though it's the hardest thing to feel, especially when I'm running on cortisol.  

I see that she's unhappy.  She doesn't smile much, I doubt she loves her job. I'm sure she'd like to look and feel healthier… She set me off when she impulsively barked at my coworkers and me to eat our staff meal quickly, while we had some downtime. 

This set off my inner critic, who mentally challenged her: 

"Why should I have to eat according to your rules, bitch? I see you eating your meal, without thought or feeling, and you still look unsatisfied after your plate is cleared.  And I see you eyeing the desserts, I see you slathering butter on your gluten-y bread and devouring it without thinking.  Who do you think you are? You are so greedy. Why do you need to be do demanding? Is it because your life is out of control and you think you can control this?"

And that's when I realized: She is me.  Because she too, is an emotional eater. That is when my compassion swooped in.  

When it hit me, holy shit, you are me. My shadow self, my shameful self.  

And I'm trying to find peace with all parts of me. 

To love every cell of my being.

Two days ago I was eating what I call "clean".  I was savoring flavors in smaller portions. Avoiding sugar.

You know, to prepare for my workshop this weekend on mindful eating.

Yesterday, my cravings took over.  In many moments of weakness, I gave them power.

I ate two chocolate covered strawberries, two chocolates, four pieces of cake, some chocolate covered almonds, and a home-made brownie (Birthdays at work+literal eye candy=deadly guilt duo).  They were all supposed to taste delicious. And yet, I felt guilty about every. single. bite.  I ate them anyway.

So I can't say I truly savored these decadent treats. 

I abused the pleasure of food. I abused my mind. I abused my body. 

Why did I do this?

Was it my lack of willpower? 

Or my unwillingness to be present in the moment? To experience a fleeting moment of passion? To distract myself from the stress and emotion that keeps coming up?  Do I do it because I want to disrespect my body? Do I get high off the guilt, succumbing to my shameful truth? No matter how long I meditate, or how positive I feel. I want to hide from it all. Because the truth is really fucking scary. 

So... 

Dear food, I thank you for providing me with nourishment and pleasure.  

But we gotta change this relationship. Right now I see you as good or bad with a side of guilt.

Is this healthy? No

Am I ok with it? Kind of…

Do I want to do something about it? Yes…but at this moment all I want to do is eat. 

In the moments where my thoughts are useless 

and my willpower doesn't stand a chance

and my stomach is my slave,

I expect food to satisfy my every need.  

That isn't fair to you, food.

You're purpose is innately good.

But I've strangled you to the point of gluttony and greed.

At my fingertips. Always within reach. Whatever I desire.

But you know better.

You are wise, as nature intended.

You keep feeding me like I ask, 

but I'm still starving.

~Katie Ring